We’re hearing rumours this morning that singer George Michael has hired a crack undercover head of security. The ex-Irish Special Forces soldier is believed to be posing as a small Dublin woman, and has been spotted going in and out of the former Wham! frontman’s house on a number of occasions, sometimes with two labrador dogs, sometimes alone. Eye witnesses say that she always refuses to give her name when asked, simply hissing in a thick Irish Accent,
“I NEVER reveal my name to ANYONE.”
Details of the new security regime at the singer’s home are sketchy at this point. It is believed, though, that she has instigated a system of keeping a secret spreadsheet of full names and addresses of all people who come within a five hundred metre radius of the singer’s London home. There are rumours on the social network Twitter that she is keeping George locked in his bedroom, “for his own protection,” passing him stale bread and jam under the door, while she relaxes in the kitchen eating the expensive Waitrose chicken and gourmet New York cheesecake in George’s fridge. These rumours, however, are unconfirmed at this point.
A close pal of the singer (who is definitely not actually George) said,
“OK. Look. It might not be cheesecake. Or chicken. To be honest, no-one knows what’s in those Ocado deliveries, and I certainly don’t dare ask. No I don’t darrrreeeeeee. DoyouknowwhatImean?”
If you know this woman, if she approaches you in Highgate Village in a rude and somewhat bizarrely aggressive manner, or if you’re a famous singer locked in his bedroom, please call the Buzzin’ Newsdesk on 555 555 555.