One thing’s for sure. George Michael’s performance on the season finale of American Idol a couple of nights ago has certainly got people talking. Many thought George’s performance was the best of the night. Some, however, weren’t so impressed.
Of course, you can’t please all of the people all of the time; but amongst all the talk, it’s become clear in the last days that there are some questions that lots of people would like to have cleared up. So, George Michael invited Remarkable over to his house for a cup of tea and a chat. It was a unusual type of interview. We agreed to cut the crap, and for neither of us to take any prisoners. It’s time for George Michael and Remarkable to shoot from the hip…
Remarkable: So… here we are!
George: Yes! Wicked! I’ve been looking forward to this! I’m going to have “The Time Of My Life” in this interview, I think.
Remarkable: Ha… ha… ha. Please, can we minimize the fucking American Idol references. Just the thought of that show makes me feel frail and ill. Almost as though this could be my last ever interview before suddenly dropping down dead. So, George… are you sitting comfortably?
George: I am! This is my favourite sofa. At least, it’s my favourite current sofa. It’s not as good as my old sofas where I had the glass trays built into the arms. I so wish I hadn’t given them away. Still, I can’t very well ask for them back now, it would look a bit desperate… and I certainly don’t want to appear that! Besides, God only knows who’s been sitting on those sofas since they left the house; probably some real Freeeks! Anyway. Yes. I am sitting very comfortably.
Remarkable: Good. Then we’ll begin…
Remarkable: George, you were obviously a little bit ill the other night on that US TV show you sang on. What’s it called again – “America’s Got X-Factor Idol Talent”… I think it’s the one where George Foreman and some British bloke called Peter are looking for new, great-tasting, healthy inventors? Anyway, the thing is, looking at the web searches people are doing after the show, lots of people thought you were really ill. In fact, a popular search in the last couple of days has been: “Does George Michaels have HIV”?
George: (laughing) Great! Why can’t these fucking people at least learn to spell my name?
Remarkable: Well, I think it’s quite an achievement they worked out how to type something into Google at all. Expecting them to spell correctly might be a bit overly optimistic.
George: So, am I HIV positive? Is that what you’re asking? (grins).
Remarkabe: Well, it’s not what I’m asking! I already know the answer. You don’t get as fat as you do sometimes by having HIV You get that way from having a fridge with too much crap in it. Still, the statistics on the web searches don’t lie. This is what a variety of… well… for the sake of this discussion, let’s call them “people”… have been asking.
George: Fuck, really? I must have looked bad! Why didn’t anyone tell me?! No, I’m not HIV positive. I had a bloody cold and I’ve lost quite a bit of weight quite quickly. The truth is, I’ve been eating nothing but lettuce and tomato for the past six weeks. I’m trying to get in shape for my tour. I piled on the pounds after the European tour finished – look at some of the photos for God’s sake – you’d eat lettuce if there were photos of you on the web like that! So, I really have to get the weight off before we start in the US, otherwise my back simply won’t hold out. I tell you – when you just eat lettuce and tomato for weeks on end, you do tend to be a bit vulnerable to catching colds. And just to be clear, I do buy cucumbers too… but not to eat! I refuse to sit inside all day every day sucking lemons, like I did in the eighties. So, I caught a cold off my God daughter. I’m just glad I didn’t blow any snot bubbles during Praying For Time.
Remarkable: Thanks for clearing that up… and also for blowing your nose before you went on stage. So, you’re not feeling frail, and about to drop dead then?
George: No! I can still make it up the stairs quite well. Kenny’s going to need a stair lift installed before I do. His legs really aren’t what they used to be.
Remarkable: You know, you could put Kenny’s bed in the basement, and let the housekeeper move upstairs. That might be better for Kenny… although, I suppose, he might not ever make it out of the basement. But I digress. Let’s proceed to the next question that’s on the minds of the great unwashed…
George: Don’t call them that, Rem!
Remarkable: But… but… you called them a lot worse than that just a few minutes ago! In fact…
George: Shhhhhhhhhh…! Next question!
Remarkable: So, before you walked on to stage.. all the Idol contestants were ushered off stage. Some people have said that it looked like you didn’t want to share a stage with any of them, and that it was a condition of you going on that you wouldn’t sing with them… or talk to them… or be seen on camera with them.
George: Yes, I saw that article.
Remarkable: Well, then, is it true?
George: Look, Rem – do YOU want to sing with those people – especially that little one with the shitty voice? Or talk to them? Or be photographed with them? Or have anything to do with them at all?
Remarkable: No, of course not. No-one in their right mind would want to do that.
George: Well, then! Neither do I! Fucking hell, people really need to be a little bit reasonable! It’s bad enough I had to be on the bloody show at all. Fucking Nigel Lythgoe. You know he bought my old house in LA off me? Well, he found a stash of straight porn I left there, and threatened to tell Kenny about it if I didn’t go on the show. Kenny goes ape shit if he thinks I show any interest at all in women. So, I was in a real dilemma. But, whenever I find myself in this kind of situation, I ask myself the question, “What Would Remarkable Do?”. In fact, I wear this WWRD wrist band at all times, just to remind me…
Remarkable: Well, thank you! I am honoured.
George: No, thank you!
Remarkable: OK. Now, final question. For one millions dollars… What… Is. .. The… deal with those fucking awful sun-glasses you were wearing?
George: Why? What’s the matter with them? Don’t you like them?
Remarkable: Well, there was a clue in the phrase, “fucking awful”. Just to be clear, though… No! I don’t fucking like them. And neither does anyone else!
George: Rem, I didn’t know you cared!
Remarkable: Just answer the blood question, George. Honestly, you’re worse than me sometimes!
George: Thank you, I take that as a great compliment! So… OK… about the sun-glasses. Look, I wanted to wear my Eli Stone glasses, but fact of the matter is – ABC wouldn’t allow it. My contract means I’m only allowed to look super-hip and cool on the ABC network. So, on FOX, I have to wear the comedy glasses which make me look like I’m an old lady. Mind you, my contract with ABC expires next week. I’m going to sign up to be a regular in the second half of the next season of 24… but I can’t talk about that yet. They’ve told me they have some seriously cool shades ready for me there. Gonna make Bono look like total shit. Mind you, he doesn’t need any help with that, does he? The twat.
Remarkable: You’re right about that! A weave. At his age. It’s pitiful. Anyway, I think that just about clears everything up. In summary: you’ve just got a cold, not HIV. You wanted to sing by yourself on Idol, that’s not a fucking crime. And, most importantly of all, you’ll soon be back to wearing super-cool shades.
George: Correct! Thanks for asking me these questions.
Remarkable: My pleasure. Well, that about wraps it up, I think. Just one last question. Whatever happened to that Jonas Brothers duet you told me was going to happen?
George: I never said any such thing… as you very well know, you ***t!
So, there you have it. Straight from the horse’s mouth. George is fine… And for those of you going to see one of his shows – don’t worry – you won’t be disappointed!
(NB For any people of restricted intelligence reading this interview… It. Isn’t. Real. George loves America Idol really, and all of the contestants, and the judges… and even Nasty Nigel.)